Friday, March 31, 2006

This past week, Dave Campbell posted on the event of the one-year anniversary of his blog, Dave's Long Box.

I decided this couldn't go unpunished, so I asked a few people to contribute their thoughts and recollections of Dave's "writing" for an event I'm calling...

The First Annual
Comics Blogger
Roast For
Dave Campbell,
Who Was In Newsweek
That One Time And
Won't Shut The Fuck
Up About It Already.

He's younger than me and gets to write for The Comics Journal, so I was very honored when Ian Brill stopped fondling the genitals of various comics PR people long enough to hack this piece of tripe out...

Dave is one of the bloggers that makes me very envious. I have a hard time coming up with one real good post a month. Dave on the other hand seems to come up with some really entertaining stuff at least three times a week. I suppose since I don't have a lifetime supply of Mocha Focha Soy Hippie-Piss Chai coffee my brain doesn't have the fuel to come up with so many good posts.

Oh wait, I also don't have an infinite archive of shitty comics from the '80s. I did have a lot of shitty comics from the '90s but I had to go and throw all of those out when I was in high school and realized there was a chance ladies might want to spend some time with me in my room (this turned out to be a very small chance). I suppose my attempts at having good taste, or at least appearing to, have deprived me of thousands of blog posts. Now all I have to depend on my wits and intelligence to come up with readable material. As any of you who have read Dave's blog know, this is never a worry for Dave.

So Dave, congratulations on informing us about fictional woman's boobs or whatever it is you write about. Maybe you'll get to those issue of the George Perez menstruation comics I gave you. That'll give you literally seconds of photoshop fun.

Dorian at Postmodern Barney is well known for loving the three Cs: comics, more comics, and cock. Seriously, you know how Chris from The ISB is gay for Batman - Dorian is that way for real dudes. Here is he, Dorian Wright!

Ahem...I've been asked to say a few brief words about Dave's one year anniversary as a blogger. What I want to say is simply:

"Airwolf" is a noun, not an adjective. Only some kind of sub-literate would continually misuse a word like that.

His obsession with poorly drawn cleavage makes me think he has a mother fixation, and was probably weaned too early. Either that, or he's a boob man, and he's so desperate for knockers he will seek solace in pretend bosoms.

I'm not the slightest bit jealous of the fact that he's been name-dropped in a national news glossy and I haven't, even though I've been doing this for longer than he has. Besides, Newsweek is just a propaganda tool for the Bush Administration, so it's not like there's anything special about being in there.

The lucky bastard...

When Ed Cunard from over at The Low Road isn't scrapbooking for his dogs or investing heavily in getting his very own Thai ladyboy, he posts to his acclaimed, beloved blog. You can see how his posting frequency has plummeted since he found out that there's something called digital scrapbooking, letting him masturbate to boygirls and put pictures of his doggies jumping around on a page with some ribbons at the same time. Take it away, Ed:

I saw Dave visiting a cancer ward once, spreading good cheer to all the kids. He was full of thumbs-ups and "you guys are totally AIRWOLF," and the kids seemed to really like the attention. I had to commend him for being so selfless.

"Come on--I couldn't help myself. To think, those kids shaved their heads just because I was coming. That kind of love moves you, man. That kind of love is AIRWOLF."

What can I say about the next presenter? The enigmatic Neilalien stopped writing his "Doctors Strange And Who Save The Universe" fan fiction long enough to poke fun at our favorite Dave Campbell that's a comics blogger. I just wish he'd put away his "Wand Of Watoomb" for longer than his relapse time. At least he was kind enough to dust off some antiquities of comics humor for the event...

First off, I'm told that his box is one of several things of Dave's that aren't as long as he thinks...

Dave's taste in comics is so bad that when he mailed his books to CGC for grading and slabbing, they came back in plastic holders that are opaque.

Isn't it cute how Dave wants us to use the phrase "Knight Rider in the Sky" as a positive adjective? Oops, I mean "Airwolf". Common mistake.

So let's get this straight: Dave's blog is based on mocking the bad comics he bought in his youth. I haven't seen an entertainment career based on so little since Tom Arnold.

Dave's dedication to comics outreach and overcoming their Power-Girl-breasts image is fantastic- but it often gets him into trouble. Just last week he was kicked out of a mall for inviting some young girls to see his Wally Wood.

A year's a long time for Dave to stick with something, so really, congrats to him. In fact, the only thing Dave's had for longer than his blog is scrotal rash.

Apparently, Chris Butcher is so busy making sure that The Beguiling is the comics store you never want to stop by in case the surly dude with the blog is there that he can't give Campbell his full due. Campbell gives us Boob War, Butcher gives us some more solicitations from Drawn and Quarterly featuring comics composed of gravestone rubbings, stick figures, and paper made from Filipino scabs. I guess I know who's going to get mentioned in Newsweek next time around...

I've actually never read Dave's Long Box. I get the impression that it's humourous? At any rate, I'm sure it's very good if you like that sort of thing.

Joe Rice spends his days corrupting America's youth, teaching kids in New York City. His nights get corrupted by America's Youth while trolling for another hot Asian girlfriend on MySpace.

When asked to roast Dave, I didn�t have to really think too hard. First off, Dave is a blogger. That means he has the sexual proclivities and attractiveness of a mid-century Quaker mixed with a lychee. The guy writes about comic books. And he�s not writing about good comic books. No. He�s writing about comics he bought because he got a little stiffie looking at the drawn boobs.

Ironic detachment cannot hide his love for masturbation. He loves it almost as much as I do. It�s a good thing, because he�s married and his wife has popped out multiple Davelings. That�s right. There�s a woman out there who can get drunk enough to let Dave �treat her like Mantra likes it. Oh, yeah, baby, you�re a man inside. You like it!� But now that she�s had some grubs, she�s not going to be going for that anymore. After a couple of blood-covered Dave spawn comes out of someone, sex is the last thing they want.

Where was I? Oh, yeah.

Dave is bald. Once he asked for a sample of my lush hair. I said no and vomited. The vomiting wasn�t polite but was involuntary. If you�ve ever smelled Dave you know exactly what I�m talking about. His constant use of comics as masturbation aids has created a cut-up, infected weiner that stinks like garbage mixed with poop mixed with more garbage that someone pooped on.

I�m kind of tired of writing about Dave now. He�s a comic book blogger, which means he isn�t really very interesting at all. But, for what it�s worth, he�s one of the best and funniest of all time (that�s a long time). Here�s to you, Dave, and happy anniversary.

PS if any contributors say �blogiversary� that means they eat farts.

Indeed, Joe. Fart-eating is a common problem among the sort of people who use "blog" in nouns that didn't feature the word before. Speaking of bald and evil, here's Dave Lartigue, whose last name causes paroxysms in the young and infirm:

What can you say about Dave and his blog? His material and style is often imitated but never duplicated!

Oh, who am I kidding, it's constantly duplicated. Surpassed, most of the time. How freakin' hard is it to mock bad comic books? OH LOOK THIS ISSUE OF BOOBAZONIA WAS BAD, WHO KNEW? Maybe now that everyone's getting mileage out of the schtick he thinks he created, he'll get a second trick. Now he's gonna cry. OH BOO HOO HOO. DON'T CRY DAVE, IT'S NOT "AIRWOLF!"

Now, I feel I should say a few words about Dave Campbell. My girlfriend loves his blog. Me, I post two or three times a day and I get a "Oh, you posted?" over dinner. Campbell posts and guess what? I get text messages, instant messages, and I swear to God, flowers were delivered to me the other day at the office with a note that said "Your mom! Ha!" You know what, Campbell - you can have her.

Oh, wait, you can't because you're "married" to your "wife" and you have two "daughters." I can't wait until the FBI bursts into your living room and finds you in some kind of Tennessee Williams-style menagerie full of female action figures and posters of Shi. Maybe a Whitesnake LP would be playing in the background and you'd be wearing genuine Hellboy leather pants. I'm just saying.

How is it you manage to post, consistently, about such shit in the medium, anyway? Have you ever read a good comic in your life? When you do one of your "F*@% Yeah Files" entries, I keep on checking over at Comics Should Be Good to see if you've cribbed your material from Cronin or Curran because heaven forbid you let an issue of Fantastic Four Unplugged lie unread and underappreciated. You know, come to San Diego, we'll sit down together, and I'll teach you how to read Love And Rockets or another title that doesn't feature unrealistic anatomy, dudes with oversized guns, or Rob Liefeld.

Seriously, though. I don't think me or anyone else here would have written this stuff if they didn't love your blog and at least tolerate you as a human being. You've added a lot to comics blogging, making everybody, including myself, step things up a bit. Thanks for the entertaining reading and here's to many more posts from you.

Oh, and one more thing: