Friday, September 22, 2006

Dear Reed and Tony,

I just wanted to touch base with you guys about recent occurances in Civil War, a crossover event published by Marvel Comics. It's written by Mark Millar, who has a decent way with dialogue and manages to create a well-crafted scene in the middle of a bombastic narrative that's barely strung together. The art (which is quite lovely, to be fair) is by Steve McNiven, who is apparently lagging so far behind that the seventh issue of a series billed as a "blockbuster Summer crossover" won't hit stands until January of next year. I'm sure you're all aware of this, but sometimes, a man wants his position known.

Anyway, I've read the latest issue of this series and I've got to tell you, you guys aren't coming out so well. Millar and eager fanboys are rushing to the defense of the story whose machinations have made the two of you, frankly, to look like much bigger assholes than you are. The issue of a "Superhero Registration Act" has caused a schism in the community you two inhabit. I can understand that you both might hold strong convictions on the idea of making sure that the general populace stays safe but your activities have been, in no uncertain terms, shameful.

Tony, you've taken up arms against Captain America, a man you've worked with for more than a decade, a man you should trust more than any other on this planet by now, just because he has a fundamental disagreement with you on governmental policy. Reed, you've let this hot-button political issue fray your family. Sue has left you because you've become inhuman in your pursuit of the people you once called "allies" and "friends." The two of you have apparently decided that creating a clone of Thor and giving him a giant technohammer that shoots lighting is a better way of handling this instead of debate or compromise.

This is atypical, to say the least. In fact, it indicates that there's something terribly wrong with the two of you.

As recently as a few months ago, I really enjoyed writer Warren Ellis's taken on you, Tony. Ellis is a man who's not particularly known for creating likeable characters, especially when technology and futurism collide, but his version of you pleased me to no end. You were aloof, driven, and maybe even obsessive, but you were human. Reed, the relationship you have with your family is one of the things that places you among my favorite characters. Much like Tony, you're not always quite with us, but the second your family needs you, you've always made me, as a reader of your adventures, proud. The devotion you have not just to your wife and kids, but to the myriad other people that have become fixtures in your strange and endearing world, is laudable.

As I said, something's not right. You two need to fix this before your characters are damaged beyond repair. I would recommend checking up on the Hatemonger or Loki, because they're just the sort of fellows that would be behind this sort of event. Maybe Dr. Strange could look in on Dormammu and do you guys a solid. In your world, there are literally thousands of possible causes for your recent irrational behavior. I find it galling that two men of your formidable intellgence are not noticing the symptoms and investigating the situation further before punching one of your fictional universe's most noble characters in the face with cybernetically enhanced, armored fists and murdering yet another minority character with the help of artifical lightning.

I'm sure that you're tired right now. The readers seem to be tired, too. Hell, I know that Captain America is certainly tired.Get in touch if you guys need any help. I'll be more than happy to point you in the right direction, to help you get to a place where you're admired instead of feared and everyone's glad to see that you're on their side instead of horrified at your methods.

Sincerely,
Kevin J. Church