Paris Hilton says “I don’t know why this stuff always happens to me.” BeaucoupKevin answers in this open letter.
Paris:
My, my, my. You’ve had a helluva week, haven’t you? Your T-Mobile Sidekick got hacked by some nefarious person and your life was, once again, open for public view. People got your list of phone numbers, notes that meant a lot to you like “I think gamsy wants a little kiss” and “Do you wanna leave soon, ill pretend I hsve 2 go pee and u wait 3 mins than come by yourself to the back entrance,” and some downright shocking photos of you with a South American media personality.
This is, of course, just the latest calamity to strike your carefully crafted image of a sweet, innocent girl who happens to have more money than God and answers her phone during sex with her boyfriend. This boyfriend, of course, seemed to take umbrage with this fact and released videos of your carnal acts that have since become utterly boring through their ubiquity. At least, I think it’s the commonness of the videos that makes me bored by them and not the fact that you’re about as sexy as a washboard with a blond wig on top.
Do you really want to know why this stuff happens to you, Paris? It happens to you because you are nothing but a remora that sucks (heh) all the little bits of fame you can manage to get from Hollywood and your daddy’s millions. Have you ever thought how nice it would be to, instead of co-starring with fellow bimbo Nicole Richie in yet another reputation-destroying season of The Simple Life, try doing charity work? Maybe if you used your family name to bring in money for things like libraries, schools, community centers and the like, you’d be able to lead the life you seem to think you deserve.
Sure, the party girl image drives a lot of people to hate you, but maybe if you did something other than being America’s Next Vapid Cunt, you’d be less of a target. If you worked hard and then played hard, people might well be more sympathetic. Instead what they see now is a spoiled brat who can’t keep her knickers on, someone who can’t help but step into that damned bear trap over and over again despite the fact there’s a large neon sign that says “Hey, there’s a bear trap right here, you dumb broad!”
Imagine the shock and horror that would be splayed across the news if it was revealed that the Hilton heiress who had recently helped a New York City hospital raise $3,000,000 for a new wing, had her Sidekick’s information swiped? People would be aghast at such a thing, or at least more sympathetic than they are now. Imagine if you actually acted like you wanted the privacy that you claim has been taken away from you time and time again.
Why would anyone with a fortune of $30 million do the things that you do? Why would you let a sleazy man tape you going down on him with the enthusiasm of a child with an asparagus stalk? Why would you take photos of a topless you rubbing against a, frankly, much hotter woman? Why would you set yourself up for all of this? I want to say it’s because you don’t know better, that you’re somehow retarded and the family doesn’t want to talk about it, that you’re simply dumb but I think it’s time to invoke some words my father told me at an impressionable age.
“Being dumb comes natural. Being stupid means you don’t wanna learn better.”
Sweetie, you’re stupid. That’s why all of this stuff happens to you.
Love Ya,
BeaucoupKevin
