Your “Shit That’s Killing Comics” List for May 25, 2005:
FEB050055 KOTOBUKIYA STAR WARS SANDTROOPER ORANGE MODEL KIT $99.99
NOV040055 MATRIX REVOLUTIONS NEO MINI BUST $45.00
NOV040054 MATRIX REVOLUTIONS PERSEPHONE MINI BUST $45.00
Look, I love me some Star Wars shit, and hell, this may be as close as I can get to having Monica Bellucci in my bedroom, but talk about tossing good money after bad.
MAR050360 BATMAN BEGINS CHRISTIAN BALE BATMAN MINI STATUE $29.99
MAR058071 RANN THANAGAR WAR #1 2ND PTG $2.50
That slab of porcelain or whatever is much less excessive than the previous mondo-huge one, but why not just go buy an action figure or two? And, really guys, can’t you just print enough goddamn comics instead of having to announce everything’s gone out of print just to get another stupid press release that nobody cares about out the door?
MAR051912 SECRET WAR FROM FILES OF NICK FURY $3.99
Can’t put the comic out on time? Well, a guy who’s not Brian Michael Bendis will knock together a few text pieces that will then get stitched into the back of the oversized hardcover and subsequent trade paperback, saving you the trouble of having to find any bonus materials and making it look like you care.
FEB058475 X-MEN PHOENIX ENDSONG LTD ED VARIANT COVER #5 (OF 5) $2.99
MAR051923 NEW X-MEN HELLIONS #1 (OF 4) $2.99
MAR051925 X-23 #6 (OF 6) $2.99
Fuck you and fuck your X-Men.
APR052474 WIZARD COMICS MAGAZINE FANTASTIC 4 PHOTO CVR #165 $5.99
APR052475 WIZARD COMICS MAGAZINE WILDSIDERZ CVR #165 $5.99
Fuck you, too. I loathe Wizard with the passion of a thousand burning suns - their frat-rock take on comics, dismissing anything that’s not accompanied by a glossy press release, is the twenty-ninth place I go to for any comics news, just after the American Eagle catalog.
APR052699 BRIAN PULIDOS LADY DEATH SWIMSUIT EMERALD FOIL CVR 2005 $6.99
APR052763 BRIAN PULIDOS LADY DEATH SWIMSUIT MOMENT OF PEACE CVR 2005 $5.99
APR052700 BRIAN PULIDOS LADY DEATH SWIMSUIT SCORCHING ED 2005 $5.99
APR052701 LADY DEATH LEATHER & LACE 2005 CRUEL MISTRESS CVR $5.99
APR052764 LADY DEATH LEATHER & LACE 2005 PRISM FOIL CVR $12.99
APR052677 MEDIEVAL LADY DEATH FEAR HER WRATH CVR #1 $5.99
Say it with me one more time, kids: fuck you. And fuck the sad assholes that buy this shit. Go pick up a goddamn issue of Leg Show or use the interwebs to find some big-tittied chicks.
MAR052790 GI JOE MASTER & APPRENTICE VOL II CVR B #4 $2.95
MAR052789 GI JOE MASTER & APPRENTICE VOL II UDON CVR A #4 $2.95
…I don’t need to say it, do I? Hell, I sorta liked the first Master & Apprentice series as it had cool ninja action in it, but a followup and variant covers? How much does shit like this increase sales?
APR052675 STARGATE SG1 ARIS BOCH WRAP VIRGINIA GOLD SEAL #1 $4.99
APR052669 STARGATE SG1 DANIELS SONG NOUVEAU CARTER ED #1 $5.99
APR052672 STARGATE SG1 DANIELS SONG NOUVEAU HAMMOND ED #1 $5.99
APR052670 STARGATE SG1 DANIELS SONG NOUVEAU ONEILL ED #1 $5.99
APR052673 STARGATE SG1 DANIELS SONG NOUVEAU TEALC ED #1 $5.99
Boy, I thought Trek fans liked the rough-anal-with-no-lube. Who’s buying all these covers? Who in the target audience for this comic would go “Oh, fuck no - I ain’t buying this comic without the spooky black dude on the front!” ?
Finally, I saved this gem for last:
FEB052797 DF COUNTDOWN #1 DOUBLE SGN $49.99
That’s right. $50 for a one-dollar comic where Blue Beetle caught a bullet lobotomy. I don’t care of it’s signed in Ted Kord’s blood, there’s no excuse for this shit. Dynamic Forces, from Hell’s heart, I stab at thee. For hate’s sake, I spit my last breath at thee.
Stuff What Is Coming Out That You May or May Not Want To Buy.
I’m just doing this in the order that it’s on the invoice, so bear with me - this doesn’t indicate preferences, as the book coming out from AiT/Planet Lar would be at the top of my list, certainly.
Previews Publications
APR050006 MARVEL PREVIEWS JUNE 2005 PI
APR050009 PREVIEWS ADULT VOL XV #6 PI
APR050005 PREVIEWS VOL XV #6 PI
Hey, it’s Previews - you gotta give it a look. When is Marvel going to stop charging a buck for their catalog and put it back into the already-$5 Diamond tome?
Dark Horse
MAR050040 BILLY THE KIDS OLD TIME ODDITIES #2 (OF 4) $2.99
The first issue sold pretty well to people who like The Goon and Hellboy, and with the now-kinda-hot Western thing, it seems like the sort of thing that a lot of people that don’t normally step out of their safe little niches could dig. They won’t, of course, unless Billy The Kid beats up people while he wears spandex and pontificates on the lonely road he walks.
DC Comics
MAR050476 100 BULLETS #61 (MR) $2.50
MAR050461 CITY OF TOMORROW #2 (OF 6) (MR) $2.99
MAR050377 GOTHAM CENTRAL HALF A LIFE TP $14.99
MAR050403 GREEN LANTERN #1 $3.50
MAR050470 SLEEPER SEASON TWO #12 (OF 12) (MR) $2.99
MAR050425 WRATH OF THE SPECTRE TP $19.99
This is what I’m buying. You may be surprised to see that Green Lantern is on there, but from what I’ve read from Johns about this being Hal as a shining star and the fact that it’s Carlos “I Draw Real Purty” Pacheco doing the art, well, I am going to make with the looking at. God bless you, Ed Brubaker and Sean Phillips, for making Sleeper. It’s a wonderful title that I will miss, but appreciate that you’re wanting to end it naturally.
Yes, I buy Gotham Central anyway, but the trade for my favorite story is sort of a “must buy,” isn’t it? It’s sort of depressing that it’s taking this long to get into paperback - it’d build a larger audience, especially from the Vertigo Types, if it were collected at Ultimate Swarm: Hitler’s Mouthbees! speed.
Wrath of the Spectre in trade? Aw, hell yeah. I think I previously stated that one would need two copies - one to read and one to spaff all over in while beholding the glory of the sheer fuckedupedness of the shit that Fleischer and Aparo came up with.
MAR050397 DAY OF VENGEANCE #2 (OF 6) $2.50
APR050333 DC SPECIAL THE RETURN OF DONNA TROY #1 (OF 4) $2.99
MAR050415 OMAC PROJECT #2 (OF 6) $2.50
Four Crisis-related books (See also: Rann-Thanagar Asswhooping 2nd printing) in a week? Nice. Real nice. No breathers for you, fanboys.
Image
MAR051667 GIRLS #1 (MR) $2.95
I like the goddamn Luna brothers and so should you. If you do not, I will tell your mom about your Emma Frost/Jean Grey slash fiction.
Marvel
MAR051962 ESSENTIAL THOR VOL 2 TP $16.99
MAR051958 FANTASTIC FOUR VOL 6 RISING STORM TP $13.99
MAR051873 MACHINE TEEN #1 (OF 5) $2.99
MAR051878 ULTIMATES 2 #6 $2.99
Got me some Jack Kirby up in this mug, yo. Got me some motherfucking Thor by Jack Kirby. Y’all ain’t even ready for that shit, yo.
I’ll be picking up the next-to-last Waid/Ringo Fantastic Four trade because hey, it’s just non-offensive enough to keep me interested. It is a crying shame that the genius of Walt Simonson on this title has not been collected - even the stuff related to the Acts Of Vengeance crossover is smarter than anything else related to the first family at Marvel since Jack walked away. Hey, did you know that Jack Kirby got some shit about gods you gonna buy coming out this weeK? He does. Word.
Machine Teen seems worth a gander, at least - the cover is mighty purty, and I love the idea of revisiting Machine Man, one of Jack’s stranger Marvel creations.
Yes, I’m still buying The Ultimates. It’s my hypocritical superhero porn title.
Other Companies
FEB053044 JAMES BOND DR NO TP $16.95
If you’ve checked out the Modesty Blaise reprints and dug them, these newspaper versions of the Fleming novels will be up your alley.
MAR052503 TRUE STORY SWEAR TO GOD VOL 2 THIS ONE GOES TO 11 TP $12.95
Hey, Larry! Seriously - this is something you all should buy, as this is completely neophyte friendly romance comics that carries enough charm to make you forget that sometimes it’s a little too sweet.
There. Go and do likewise, gentlemen. Go and do likewise.
