OK, fine, it’s a week late, but here’s the BeaucoupKevin rundown of Marvel Entertainment’s Solicitations for their Comics Retail Division for December, 2005.

Single Issues, Series, Etc.
First of all, let’s address this “ULTIMATE MARVEL – THE GOLD STANDARD” that starts off the whole proceedings. The Gold Standard for what, exactly? No, no snark, just honest inquiry from a fan of comics. I do buy the Ultimate Spider-Man hardcovers and quite like those and I think The Ultimates is a fine way to kill some braincells while looking at Hitch’s art, but how are these comics in any way a “Gold Standard?”

That Leinil Yu probaby can draw the hell out of Wolverine and Hulk, so I may give Damon Lindelof’s maiden voyage in comics a reading, even if I’ve yet to watch that show that’s made him famous.

Spider-Man’s in the middle of this gigantic crossover that means both jack and shit to me, so I’m pretty much ignoring them except for the whole Spider-Man/Black Cat: Evil That Men Do solicitation that pretty much indicates “Yeah, we suck. We should have beaten Kevin Smith with a sack full of rotten pluots until he learned to meet deadlines.”

Marvel Knights, blah blah blah Daredevil blah blah blah. Oh, wait. Punisher Holiday Special? Ha. Yeah, I’ll look at that.

Marvel Spotlight: It’s Like Marvel Age, But Not is sort of an unwieldy title. Cassaday’s a handsome fellow so let’s hope there’s some photos of the man at work for the ladies and Chris.

Marvel Zombies. They just had to get Sean Phillips to draw that shit, didn’t they? I don’t much like zombies and think that Kirkman’s very good at writing stuff I don’t care about, but this may be a necessary purchase just to see page after page of Phillips drawing whacked-out Marvel icons.

Hey, I will probably buy this…

FANTASTIC FOUR SPECIAL
Written by DWAYNE MCDUFFIE
Penciled by CASEY JONES
Cover by LEINIL FRANCIS YU

“My Dinner With Doom” – It’s a day of celebration and reflection in Latveria, but deep within the confines of the Latverian Embassy to America, Victor Von Doom and Reed Richards engage in a subtle battle of wits, with all of Manhattan as the playing field. What are the stakes? And can Mister Fantastic triumph when all of the moves have been made in advance? A timeless stand-alone special by Dwayne (Justice League Unlimited) McDuffie and Casey (GUARDIANS) Jones!
32 PGS./T+ SUGGESTED FOR TEENS AND UP …$2.99

…even if it sounds an awful lot like Fantastic Four: 1 2 3 4 by that Morrison cat.

I guess the regular Iron Man title being more sporadic led to this miniseries by Joe Casey.

You know, I’m fully aware that Frank Cho can only really draw one woman, but with bazongas like this, I don’t really care.

Oh, would I actually read the comic? Oh, fuck, no! After Bendis made sure that the first line in that Giant-Sized Spider-Woman book was something about Jessica Drew feeling like a slut, I kinda gave up on reading anything that he wrote featuring the character, which means his Origin miniseries, despite having pretty, pretty art by Jonathan Luna, is going to most likely get a pass.

I have a confession: I’ve enjoyed each issue of Zeb Wells New Warriors, despite never having been previously blown away by his scripting or really taking to Skottie Young’s art. I think it’s because this book plays to their strengths so very well and it’s just plain fun. I’ll get the digest when it comes out. Yeah, I’m pretty sure it’s gonna be a digest.

God, that Greg Horn She-Hulk cover is dire. It sounds like Slott’s going to be having a blast with this one, though. I’m waiting for the trade with this, but I may well pick up this issue if it’s a standalone, blah blah blah. 100 pages for $4 ain’t bad, even with reprints taking up a chunk of it.

This one charms my socks right the hell off, washes them, then puts them in the drawer for later wearing:

SPIDER-MAN LOVES MARY JANE #1
Written by SEAN MCKEEVER
Pencils & Cover by TAKESHI MIYAZAWA
“The Boyfriend Thing”

Because YOU demanded it, the highly acclaimed drama featuring the life of a teenage Mary Jane Watson returns as an ongoing series! And this time, she’s got some friendly neighborhood backup! With her circle of friends and recent relationship left in disrepair, MJ is on the market once again! But who will she choose to be the next object of her affections: Peter Parker, her bookish-but-sweet tutor and newly-minted friend; or that dangerous, exciting crimefighter in red and blue tights, Spider-Man? Stick with Eisner award-winner Sean McKeever and superstar artist Takeshi Miyazawa to find out!
32 PGS./All Ages …$2.99

I really shouldn’t think this is a fine, fine idea, should I? I’m not a 14 year old girl, you know.

Honest.

All these What If issues smack more of those dang Elseworlds books DC insisted cramming down our throats for a decade than anything else. I don’t want feudal Japan Daredevil. I don’t care about Blue And Gray Cap. Points for trying something different, but it’s just a concept that’s been beaten into the dirt, set aflame, peed on, fed to a hog, crapped out, and used as fertilizer by DC already.

Wow, there’s a whole lot of X-Men books I am not going to buy.

Over at Max, I think I may need to pick up Punisher: The Tyger. I love me some John Severin, and Young Frank Castle Adventures should be good for the kid in me!

Trades, Trades, Trades
I don’t care what anybody tells me, excluding the Big Pimpin’ Ben Grimm riff, this Straczynski Fantastic Four has been complete ass. No need for a hardcover, softcover, digest, Director’s cut, or FCBD giveaway on this.

That Golden Age All-Winners Comics Masterworks? That looks like the dog’s, it does. I ain’t gonna spend $50 (or whatever it’d be after my discount) on it, but it looks like it’s pure Golden-Age madness.

The second part of the Gah-Lak-Tus trilogy gets traded, and I’ll get that because that Ellis cat, I like him writing this stuff. I am pretty aware I give him a free pass, but that’s because he tickles the parts of my lobes that need the ticklage.

Stop giving me that look.

Ultimate Spider-Man, come out to plaaaaaaaaaaay! Two of you will get that joke, maybe.

Somebody not-entirely-stupid said that the Phoenix: Endsong thing was pretty much a bit of alright. Any other opinions?

If I were a little more rich and a notch more stupid, I’d totally spend $8 to keep a copy of the Mega Morphs digest in the bathroom. If I were to spend said $8, I’d be happy knowing that this includes the pack-in comics for the toys as well, the first time that I can recall a pack-in comic getting the reprint treatment.

GLA: Misassembled offers good bang for the buck, as it includes the first appearance of the Great Lakes Avengers and the first adventure of Squirrel Girl. That Slott fellow, he sure loves his fans. We’re going to pretend he made that decision and not some dude with a cigar in the sales department.

CAPTAIN AMERICA & THE FALCON: SECRET EMPIRE TPB
Written by STEVE ENGLEHART & MIKE FRIEDRICH
Penciled by SAL BUSCEMA
Cover by JOHN ROMITA SR.

The Secret Empire was rarely more secretive or empirical than in this classic arc that sets Cap against a conspiracy out to frame and replace him in the American mind! And pay CLOSE attention to the man behind the curtain (or mask, as the case may be)! Corruption and cover-ups conclude with Cap quitting the Avengers, paving the way for his days as Nomad! With Nick Fury, the Black Panther and Banshee! Guest-starring the X-Men (back before it was cool) and featuring an early re-telling of Cap’s origin! Collects CAPTAIN AMERICA AND THE FALCON #169-176.
168 PGS./T+ SUGGESTED FOR TEENS AND UP …$19.99 ISBN: 0-7851-1836-5

How is this not going to get my American dollars? I mean, really, I can overlook Sal Buscema’s art for the sake of Englehart madness.

That’s it – I’m sort of undecided on Essential Spider-Woman as those stories are, for the most part, a heapin’ helping of pure cack, but I may just need to have it anyway in case I ever get heinously ill and require something to read.