Sunset.

Sunset.
Originally uploaded by BeaucoupKevin.

Taken yesterday afternoon during the walk home from the office. I’m very taken with this.

Much like Gamera, Batfatty is a friend to all of the children of the world. Today, he gets special notice for directing our attention over to this eBay auction for a SFPD police photo album from the 1930s. While perusing through the photos, I was shocked to find that auteur David Lynch had apparently gotten into a bit of trouble back then!

Then

Now

Yeah, Drunk Iron Man jokes are cheap, but that’s why I buy them in bulk. Dorian posted The Most Horrifying Mental Image Ever in his post from last night:

Seeing a nude photo of one of our male customers in the latest issue of Tarot made me straight. I’ve got absolutely no desire to ever see another man naked ever again.

Oh. Mah. God.

Did anyone else pick up those DC Showcase Presents paperbacks for Superman and Green Lantern? Looks like DC noted every mistake Marvel made with the Essential books (lower-than-necessary paper quality, bad reproduction, binding) and decided to correct them while getting somebody to make the most pop-tastic trade dress I’ve seen in ages. My shop sold out in just a couple of hours, thanks to that super-attractive price point that not even my ultra-cheap, not-particularly-comics-oriented Hot Girlfriend could deny was the epitome of Value. Note the Capital V there. That’s how much Value you get.

And besides, in the very first story, we get to see Superman write in his Giant Metal Diary with his fingernail just because he can. That’s my Goddamn Superman, I’ll tell you what. Green Lantern’s first few stories are a bit iffy, outside of the Mean Mary Tyler Moore routine that Carol puts on to torture Hal, but I can totally see how kids decided he was awesome: a test pilot is given an alien wishing ring and decides to fight crime? Hell, that’s high concept still.

Oh, and I doubt that it will convert anyone to the one true gospel of Johnny Ryan, but the latest Angry Youth Comics has a structural trick I’m surprised to see being pulled in such a juvenile, hateful, fecophilic tome. Through story handoffs and protagonist shifts, “reality” and “fiction” end up being cleverly mashed together in such a way as to make the attentive reader’s head cock at least twenty degrees to the side, if not exactly spin.

Something caught my eye from Ellis’s BAD SIGNAL yesterday: he’s adding more text to the trade version of Ocean, more clearly explaining the (fairly confusing) last few pages. Good on him for admitting that it didn’t come out exactly like he wanted and going to repair it. I bought the original issues and will be getting the trade anyway, so this is especially good news for me. Right now, I’m sure somebody’s whining about a set of off-panel dialogue boxes that clarify the story better being Ellis’s attempt to rip them off. Stop it.

(I did notice his recycling of meme-as-destructive force over in JLA Classified, but I doubt that relatively few regular JLA readers are going to have bothered picking up Global Frequency, so I think it’s pretty neat to have worked in some science-friendly stuff into a capes title. That’s what made his Ultimate Fantastic Four and all this Ultimate Gah Lak Tus stuff more interesting for me than the rest of the “new” continuity material.)

I said what was quite possibly the meanest thing ever yesterday. I’ll be changing the names of the mentioned parties to two “celebrities” not at all involved in any sort of romance and therefore making this “satire” in order to keep myself away from a libel suit, in case either of them ever read this blog:

“ANN COULTER is so cold-blooded that if she and FORMER RED SOX LEFT-FIELDER AND BASEBALL HALL OF FAMER CARL YASTRZEMSKI had decided to have a child before the split, she would have laid a large, leathery egg in the middle of their living room and hissed at anyone that got near it.”

OK, I’ve got to get in the shower, get caffeine, and find out what disasters occured in the office overnight.

OK, fine, it’s a week late, but here’s the BeaucoupKevin rundown of Marvel Entertainment’s Solicitations for their Comics Retail Division for December, 2005.

Single Issues, Series, Etc.
First of all, let’s address this “ULTIMATE MARVEL – THE GOLD STANDARD” that starts off the whole proceedings. The Gold Standard for what, exactly? No, no snark, just honest inquiry from a fan of comics. I do buy the Ultimate Spider-Man hardcovers and quite like those and I think The Ultimates is a fine way to kill some braincells while looking at Hitch’s art, but how are these comics in any way a “Gold Standard?”

That Leinil Yu probaby can draw the hell out of Wolverine and Hulk, so I may give Damon Lindelof’s maiden voyage in comics a reading, even if I’ve yet to watch that show that’s made him famous.

Spider-Man’s in the middle of this gigantic crossover that means both jack and shit to me, so I’m pretty much ignoring them except for the whole Spider-Man/Black Cat: Evil That Men Do solicitation that pretty much indicates “Yeah, we suck. We should have beaten Kevin Smith with a sack full of rotten pluots until he learned to meet deadlines.”

Marvel Knights, blah blah blah Daredevil blah blah blah. Oh, wait. Punisher Holiday Special? Ha. Yeah, I’ll look at that.

Marvel Spotlight: It’s Like Marvel Age, But Not is sort of an unwieldy title. Cassaday’s a handsome fellow so let’s hope there’s some photos of the man at work for the ladies and Chris.

Marvel Zombies. They just had to get Sean Phillips to draw that shit, didn’t they? I don’t much like zombies and think that Kirkman’s very good at writing stuff I don’t care about, but this may be a necessary purchase just to see page after page of Phillips drawing whacked-out Marvel icons.

Hey, I will probably buy this…

FANTASTIC FOUR SPECIAL
Written by DWAYNE MCDUFFIE
Penciled by CASEY JONES
Cover by LEINIL FRANCIS YU

“My Dinner With Doom” – It’s a day of celebration and reflection in Latveria, but deep within the confines of the Latverian Embassy to America, Victor Von Doom and Reed Richards engage in a subtle battle of wits, with all of Manhattan as the playing field. What are the stakes? And can Mister Fantastic triumph when all of the moves have been made in advance? A timeless stand-alone special by Dwayne (Justice League Unlimited) McDuffie and Casey (GUARDIANS) Jones!
32 PGS./T+ SUGGESTED FOR TEENS AND UP …$2.99

…even if it sounds an awful lot like Fantastic Four: 1 2 3 4 by that Morrison cat.

I guess the regular Iron Man title being more sporadic led to this miniseries by Joe Casey.

You know, I’m fully aware that Frank Cho can only really draw one woman, but with bazongas like this, I don’t really care.

Oh, would I actually read the comic? Oh, fuck, no! After Bendis made sure that the first line in that Giant-Sized Spider-Woman book was something about Jessica Drew feeling like a slut, I kinda gave up on reading anything that he wrote featuring the character, which means his Origin miniseries, despite having pretty, pretty art by Jonathan Luna, is going to most likely get a pass.

I have a confession: I’ve enjoyed each issue of Zeb Wells New Warriors, despite never having been previously blown away by his scripting or really taking to Skottie Young’s art. I think it’s because this book plays to their strengths so very well and it’s just plain fun. I’ll get the digest when it comes out. Yeah, I’m pretty sure it’s gonna be a digest.

God, that Greg Horn She-Hulk cover is dire. It sounds like Slott’s going to be having a blast with this one, though. I’m waiting for the trade with this, but I may well pick up this issue if it’s a standalone, blah blah blah. 100 pages for $4 ain’t bad, even with reprints taking up a chunk of it.

This one charms my socks right the hell off, washes them, then puts them in the drawer for later wearing:

SPIDER-MAN LOVES MARY JANE #1
Written by SEAN MCKEEVER
Pencils & Cover by TAKESHI MIYAZAWA
“The Boyfriend Thing”

Because YOU demanded it, the highly acclaimed drama featuring the life of a teenage Mary Jane Watson returns as an ongoing series! And this time, she’s got some friendly neighborhood backup! With her circle of friends and recent relationship left in disrepair, MJ is on the market once again! But who will she choose to be the next object of her affections: Peter Parker, her bookish-but-sweet tutor and newly-minted friend; or that dangerous, exciting crimefighter in red and blue tights, Spider-Man? Stick with Eisner award-winner Sean McKeever and superstar artist Takeshi Miyazawa to find out!
32 PGS./All Ages …$2.99

I really shouldn’t think this is a fine, fine idea, should I? I’m not a 14 year old girl, you know.

Honest.

All these What If issues smack more of those dang Elseworlds books DC insisted cramming down our throats for a decade than anything else. I don’t want feudal Japan Daredevil. I don’t care about Blue And Gray Cap. Points for trying something different, but it’s just a concept that’s been beaten into the dirt, set aflame, peed on, fed to a hog, crapped out, and used as fertilizer by DC already.

Wow, there’s a whole lot of X-Men books I am not going to buy.

Over at Max, I think I may need to pick up Punisher: The Tyger. I love me some John Severin, and Young Frank Castle Adventures should be good for the kid in me!

Trades, Trades, Trades
I don’t care what anybody tells me, excluding the Big Pimpin’ Ben Grimm riff, this Straczynski Fantastic Four has been complete ass. No need for a hardcover, softcover, digest, Director’s cut, or FCBD giveaway on this.

That Golden Age All-Winners Comics Masterworks? That looks like the dog’s, it does. I ain’t gonna spend $50 (or whatever it’d be after my discount) on it, but it looks like it’s pure Golden-Age madness.

The second part of the Gah-Lak-Tus trilogy gets traded, and I’ll get that because that Ellis cat, I like him writing this stuff. I am pretty aware I give him a free pass, but that’s because he tickles the parts of my lobes that need the ticklage.

Stop giving me that look.

Ultimate Spider-Man, come out to plaaaaaaaaaaay! Two of you will get that joke, maybe.

Somebody not-entirely-stupid said that the Phoenix: Endsong thing was pretty much a bit of alright. Any other opinions?

If I were a little more rich and a notch more stupid, I’d totally spend $8 to keep a copy of the Mega Morphs digest in the bathroom. If I were to spend said $8, I’d be happy knowing that this includes the pack-in comics for the toys as well, the first time that I can recall a pack-in comic getting the reprint treatment.

GLA: Misassembled offers good bang for the buck, as it includes the first appearance of the Great Lakes Avengers and the first adventure of Squirrel Girl. That Slott fellow, he sure loves his fans. We’re going to pretend he made that decision and not some dude with a cigar in the sales department.

CAPTAIN AMERICA & THE FALCON: SECRET EMPIRE TPB
Written by STEVE ENGLEHART & MIKE FRIEDRICH
Penciled by SAL BUSCEMA
Cover by JOHN ROMITA SR.

The Secret Empire was rarely more secretive or empirical than in this classic arc that sets Cap against a conspiracy out to frame and replace him in the American mind! And pay CLOSE attention to the man behind the curtain (or mask, as the case may be)! Corruption and cover-ups conclude with Cap quitting the Avengers, paving the way for his days as Nomad! With Nick Fury, the Black Panther and Banshee! Guest-starring the X-Men (back before it was cool) and featuring an early re-telling of Cap’s origin! Collects CAPTAIN AMERICA AND THE FALCON #169-176.
168 PGS./T+ SUGGESTED FOR TEENS AND UP …$19.99 ISBN: 0-7851-1836-5

How is this not going to get my American dollars? I mean, really, I can overlook Sal Buscema’s art for the sake of Englehart madness.

That’s it – I’m sort of undecided on Essential Spider-Woman as those stories are, for the most part, a heapin’ helping of pure cack, but I may just need to have it anyway in case I ever get heinously ill and require something to read.

OK, so about all these photocomicstrips. As you can tell by the revised header graphic (reload if you don’t see the genius of Batmanuel,) these have become A Thing. They’re helping me scratch a creative itch, etc. Anyway, I’m going to do my best not to slack on my proper blogging duties this week, but with ten hour days and the search for a qualified (but not overly so) Coworker Replacement Unit means I’ll probably be crabtastic if any “real” news comes down the comics pike.

So, you want to know what I think’s good out of the Diamond Shipping List, don’t you? You want to know what I think is worthy of comment, be it good or bad, right? Well, the list formerly known as the “Shit That’s Killing Comics” list is here for the week of September 28, 2005.

Previews

AUG050005 MARVEL PREVIEWS #26 OCTOBER 2005 EXTRAS PI
AUG050008 PREVIEWS ADULT VOL XV #10 PI
AUG050003 PREVIEWS VOL XV #10 PI
AUG050006 PREVIEWS VOL XV CONSUMER ORDER FORM #10 PI

Doug, make sure that you get your Previews so I don’t have to hear you complain that your shop failed in their duties to you, the man with disposable income.

Dark Horse

JUL050017 BPRD THE BLACK FLAME #2 (OF 6) $2.99

I just love that bastard commander the BPRD has now. I think he’s the funniest character in comics who is not the All-Star Goddamn Batman.

JUN050040 LADY SNOWBLOOD VOL 1 TP (MR) $14.95

I’m curious, but not $15 of curious. Maybe $10 of curious. Somebody find it for me for $10, ok?

JUL050014 STAR WARS X-WING ROGUE LEADER #1 (OF 3) $2.99

OK, yeah, I’m kinda done with my deep, throbbing passion for all things Star Wars, but this has got Wedge Antilles in it. Very few things make me geekhappier than some Hot X-Wing Action.

DC Comics

JUL050280 AUTHORITY THE MAGNIFICIENT KEVIN #2 (OF 5) (MR) $2.99

The musical routine in the last issue was Quality Surreal Superhero Insanity. Who knew Ennis had it in him? Look to my next comment for not-at-all-thoughtful mention of the artist of this series.

JUL050297 BLOODY MARY TP (MR) $19.99

You’d think this would be a veritable checklist of Kevin Comics Fetishes, as it features:

• Crazy nuns.
• Lots of violence.
• Big, stupid technology.

Sadly, however, I just don’t dig on Carlos Ezquerra’s art and like the around-the-same-time Pride And Joy, Ennis’s writing just fails to maintain my interest, even if there’s the mayhem I so crave.

JUL050233 JACK CROSS #2 $2.50

Weston’s Gary Erskine’s art seems a little more stable in this issue, and there’s a particularly nasty scene that made me actually feel a bit of shock. That Jack Cross, you can’t fuck with him. Now, to figure out when he’s going to meet Green Arrow or do something in the DCU that he’s supposedly set in.

JUL050237 JLA CLASSIFIED #12 $2.99

More Ellis. Yay! I do hope we get to see some hot capes action in this issue, even if the first third of this series does feature some great character scenes that remind me that I sort of like these characters who have become increasingly less interested in entertaining me with their exploits and more invested in pissing each other off thanks to fanboys who want it good and dark because, you know, the real world’s all sunshine and butterflies.

JUL050262 JUSTICE LEAGUE UNLIMITED JAM PACKED ACTION TP $7.99

See the above comment. This show (and attendant comics) are the best representation of superheroes that we’re getting right now. That sort of depresses me.

JUL050250 SHOWCASE PRESENTS GREEN LANTERN VOL 1 TP $9.99
JUL050249 SHOWCASE PRESENTS SUPERMAN VOL 1 TP $9.99

There goes my goddamn weekend.

JUL050214 SUPERMAN BIRTHRIGHT TP $19.99

I really quite liked this series. It’s worth getting in trade, even if Waid doesn’t go as out-and-out bugfuck as I’d like. That Leniel Yu can draw him some pretty pretty stuff. I’d totally do his Lois Lane.

…what?

Image

JUL051621 LONG HOT SUMMER GN $7.99

I’m very much looking forward to this, not least of all to see Jamie McKelvie draw some Very Pretty Girls And Their Scooters. You can read more about it in this interview with writer Eric Stephenson.

JUL051663 SEA OF RED VOL 1 NO GRAVE BUT THE SEA TP (MR) (O/A) $8.95

Boy, after that impressive and dark first issue, people jumped off this title like rats from a sinking ship, didn’t they? No, that’s not a pun, goddamn it.

Marvel

JUL051875 DAREDEVIL #77 $2.99

Chris said this book was “clown shoes.” I think he meant it as an insult. I think his huffing pure, untained Terror, Inc issues has rotted his goddamn ape-brain, that’s what I think. This issue made me all giddy like a little schoolgirl.

JUL051927 LAST HERO STANDING TP $13.99

My shop sold the shit out of this series, which seems to be later-than-usual for NuMarvel Trade Releases. I hope it’ll catch some eyeballs in trade, because apparently, it wasn’t half bad.

JUL051856 ULTIMATE SECRET #3 (OF 4) (RES) $2.99

About damned time. I’m happy I’m waiting for the trades on this, I am.

JUL051931 WOLVERINE ENEMY OF THE STATE VOL 1 TP $14.99

Hey, I was just talking about reading this in trade, just for shits and giggles. The few bits I’ve read have been enjoyably over-the-top and dumb, with Romita Jr art that seemed to be having a great deal of fun.

Wizard

AUG052577 WIZARD COMICS MAGAZINE INFINITE CRISIS CVR #169 $5.99
AUG052578 WIZARD COMICS MAGAZINE SPIDER-MAN 3 CVR #169 $5.99

OK, see, I can understand Wizard doing an Infinite Crisis cover, but running a cover feature on a movie that will not be out until Summer of 2006, acting like they have exclusive news when it’s more of their usual moronic internet-rumor-and-press-release bullshit.

Comics From Other Companies That Are Out There Making With The Comics

AUG052685 AP HOW TO DRAW HENTAI #1 NEW PTG (A) $4.95
AUG052686 AP HOW TO DRAW HENTAI #2 NEW PTG (A) $4.95

Oh, hey, Mark, your Christmas presents came early.

JUL052752 CBLDF SPX 2005 ANTHOLOGY $12.95

Since I couldn’t make it to the event this year, I’ll have to console myself with some sweet, sweet comics anthology action.

JUL053014 PENG ONE SHOT (MR) $5.95

Ultimate, Extreme, Insane, Anime-and-Video-Game flavored Kickball, bitches!

MAY052654 RED SONJA #2 $2.99
MAY052657 RED SONJA FIERY RED FOIL HIGH END ED #2 PI

Wow, how long ago did #1 come out, anyway? Or was that #0? All I know is that there was a fuckton of variants and they sat and they sat and they sat and they sat.

JUL053066 SUPER CRAZY TNT BLAST #1 $2.99

I’m sure I ordered this just on the name alone. It sounds like something that demands my attention. Oh, hey, here’s their solicitation! Superheroey, a little deconstructiony, and with nice art. I’ll probably dig it.

No, you don’t need to point out the hypocrisy in my digging this sort of thing and disliking Infinite House Of Crisis. You really don’t. These characters don’t have decades of backstory, majesty, and character – they’re a blank slate. I don’t want to see Superman crying to his wife because he was brainwashed and forced to cheat at miniature golf instead of saving the fucking planet.

And that’s it for this week. If you want to see a sadly-amusing entry from Christopher Butcher concerning the fifty-odd manga books that The Beguiling is going to have to deal with, go here. Goddamn, he’s going to have huge fucking biceps when he’s done placing this shipment on shelves.

I did get some comics last night – Rocketo #2 was just as pretty as the first issue, of course, but I hope we actually get to see some action soon instead of having it described to us. The new Acme Novelty Library hardcover is a jaw-droppingly nice piece of work from Chris Ware. Getting the even-more-oddly-sized Acme issues in a slightly-less-inconvenient format is one of those things I’ve been wanting, so Ware gets a couple extra marks in my Giant Book Of Opinions About Comics Creators.

You know who wrote good about that Essential Ghost Rider so I don’t have to be bothered? Jimbo did! He also reminds me that there’s a new Sigur Ros record out that I should pick up before I moan that I don’t have a soundtrack for that first snowfall..

Back to comics: my highlight for the week, of course, was Mister Miracle #1. Wow. I would never have imagined using Kirbyisms in an urban horror sort of setting, but Morrison makes it look as natural as a pile of organic produce at your local farmer’s market. I hope that Billy Dallas Patton can follow Ferry’s lead well enough in this – the art is a thing of joy and wonderment, conveying humor and creepiness in equal amounts. Quality!

So, apparently inspired by my insipid inspired use of photography, Frank Miller’s high-larious script for All-Star Batman And Robin, The Boy Wonder, and Illustrator™, Chris at The ISB made this for me:

It’s a shockingly accurate portrait, except for the fact that for the last 48 hours or so, my brain has been tapped in regards to writing clever about the words+pictures combination known as comics. No particular reason why – work’s a little (read: a fucking helluva lot) stressful, I haven’t purchased this week’s books because I’m dead broke for another few days, and I keep thinking about verbal punchlines to visuals. The strip from earlier today, I came up with while having coffee at the same place Jimbo was having coffee, but at different tables and unbeknownst to each other until he was on his way out. No, he is not a gorilla.

Anyway. I’m probably going to be doing strips for the next few days, as I seem to be happy in that zone. These are all taken from public-domain images and if you’ve got a picture that you’d like to see stuck in here, let me know. We’ll make it interactive so everyone can Wang Chung tonight. Novice mentioned it’s a bit like a softer world (a fine, fine strip, to be sure,) but I think I’m doing something a little different, something a little less esoteric. Probably something a whole lot worser.

So, here’s the second strip, with a healthy dose of Nerd “Humor”:

Let me know if you like these. I need positive reinforcement!

Here’s my only comment concerning the Marvel Solicitations for December:

DC Solicits went up a few days ago and I’ve been too grumptastic to cover them without dripping bitterness, bile, and blasphemy at every step of the process.

This is why I’m just going to focus on what I perceive to be the positives, the ultimate and utmost in comics entertainment provided by this particular branch of the beast that is AOLTimeWarner.

Oh, who am I kidding? I’m going to work snarky this time around, aren’t I?

Bat-Product
Is it just me, or is the grin on Batman’s face really, really disturbing and funny at the same time? This American Psycho take on the character has most people tossing the book aside, declaring it beyond any sort of redemption, but I’m enjoying it in the same way that I dearly love the massively-stupid Starship Troopers.

They’re also doing a “Special Edition” of the first one. I’m sure all that material will be in the paperback edition, which will come out waaaaay after the hardcover for the first six issues and just a few hours before they do Absolute All-Star Batman And Robin, The Boy Wonder, wherein the title will require an additional fold-out on the dust jacket.

Over in Batman: Gotham Knights, we get this jewel of a solicitation:

In a long-forgotten summer home that belonged to Thomas and Martha Wayne, a body turns up that will lead Bruce Wayne to a part of his parents’ past he never imagined existed, forcing him to ask himself if his parents’ marriage was nothing but a sham!

We’ll also find out that Alfred’s had an affair with Aunt Harriet dating back 20 years! Rodrigo, the groundskeeper, pines for Poison Ivy! And what is the secret of the Gypsy???

While the world needs another early-years-of-Batman series like I need another Pet Shop Boys single, the art for this cover by Matt Wagner sure is pretty.

Oh, so I guess that Jim Corrigan over in Gotham Central is related to The Spectre. I was hoping it was an in-jokey sort of coicidence or a knowing nod to Chris Ware, but instead we get “the story everyone’s clamored for.”

I don’t recall clamoring, but there’s a lot of people over at DC and they could outvote me on the matter, I guess.

Superman-Related Stuff

Here:

ALL STAR SUPERMAN #2
Written by Grant Morrison
Art and cover by Frank Quitely
The most recognizable icon in comics continues to get the ALL STAR treatment from creative powerhouses Grant Morrison and Frank Quitely! After the startling events of the first issue, Superman retreats with Lois Lane to his Arctic sanctuary. Find out what mystery haunts Superman’s girlfriend as she spends her birthday in the strangest place on earth – the Fortress of Solitude!
On sale December 21 o 32 pg, FC, $2.99 US

That’s all you need. That Lex Luthor: Man Of Steel paperback is pretty awesome as well, but I figure that only All Star requires an immediate purchase.

However, Alex over at Listen To Us, We’re Right extolled the virtues of that crossover with Captain Marvel, so I’m going to get the trade when that rolls down the pike.

General DCU-Related

Infinite Crisis. Yawn. I’m sure this is going to be a perfectly competent comic book for people who want their superhero stories straight-faced and dour. One rumor I’ve heard states that the big moral message behind all of this hoo-ha is that “Killing is wrong.” Apparently, nobody ever made this NuDC Superman or Wonder Woman or whoever watch Superfriends or read their own comics.

Crisis On Multiple Earths: The Team-Ups Volume One. Yeah, that sound you hear is me plunking down $15 hard-earned American dollars for this with such speed that the vibrations have actually traveled back in time.

Boy, I really like this Green Lantern cover. I just wanted to point that out.

Hard Time comes back with a second “season,” which is one of those cross-media terms I can’t abide by. Nobody would ever call Mansquito a “Graphic Novel For Television,” right? Now, knock it off, even my much-beloved Sleeper started the whole trend. (Also: Harrow is the last name of the protagonist in Hard Time as well as Seven Soldiers: Bulleteer, where we’ve also gotten the line “The harrowing has begun.” Neat coincidence or evidence of… something more? Duhn duhn DUUUUUHN!

Attention DC Marketing Department:

There is not enough rape implied on the cover to this edition of Showcase Presents: Justice League Of America Volume 1. You have Dr. Light. You have a woman. Please hire Metzler to redialogue this cover as soon as possible. I have provided a quick guide below that should help him make sure that those “silly Silver Age” stories get the adult treatment they deserve.

Thank you.

JLA Classified: Cold Steel. Has Marvel’s Mega Morphs made stacks of money when I wasn’t looking? Does Christopher Moeller have pictures of Dan Didio and a Bolivian transexual prostitute? Is this one of those things that fans have been clamoring for and I just didn’t know about? Man. I mean, I love Giant Robots and I love me some JLA action, but this…this is just…stupid.

Two Seven Soldiers titles: Mister Miracle and The Bulleteer. The former sees an art change with Billy Dallas Patton replacing Pasqual Ferry for some reason or another, most likely a Marvel exclusive contract on Ferry’s part pissing off those who manage these things. Still, the solicitation is a thing of beauty:

The deadly snares of evil gods are closing around Shilo Norman, as one young man’s troubled soul becomes the battleground of epic forces in Part 2 of Grant Morrison’s psychedelic sci-fi adventure! Shilo Norman – a super-rich, super-famous, super escape artist – has become an unwitting pawn in the deadly Game of the Gods! As Metron, the Traveller and Death, The Black Racer, gamble for his very existence, Mister Miracle must somehow survive the “Drive-By Derby”! And even if he outwits the Man-Eating Cars of Apokolips, is he ready – are you ready? – for the soul-destroying terror known only as Dark Side?

Mad genius, available right there for $3. That’s a bargain.

Why is it that Teddy Kristiansen can’t work on a book I’ll genuinely enjoy? I’m not a fan of Seagle or Gaiman (cue shocked and horrified gasps from his legions of acolytes), but man…his art sings to me.

Stuff That Falls Between DCU and Vertigo and Wildstorm
I’ll probably buy this issue of Justice League Unlimited just for the charming cover. It’s kind of funny how this title and show have managed to do origins for both Hawkman and Power Girl that are streamlined and could have been easily patched into the DCU with nary a ripple, but I guess that’s why they pay Geoff Johns: to make with the rippling.

The Best Of The Spirit? Thank you, I’ll buy that. Finally, a way to get the good stuff without tossing out piles of cash for the Archives or digging and digging until you find Warren reprints.

Is anybody reading any of the CMX manga? Anybody at all?

Wildstorm
I’m really glad we can’t see below the waist for this picture of The Midnighter that is the cover for The Authority: The Magnificent Kevin #5. I’m sure what’s there would shock and appall the masses.

Hot diggity dang, I love The Winter Men. This cover right here has forced my heart grow three sizes larger to accomodate my now-engorged affection for this title!

Alan Moore comes back to wrap up Tom Strong. I’ll be sad to see it go, as I’ve not much minded the majority of the stories that have followed his initial run on the title, but getting to see the bearded mage shut down an entire universe is probably worth watching at least once. (I never did finish Promethea. One day, when I’m feeling more inclined to pontificate upon ponderous ponderings about magick and aether, I will.)

Vertigo
Starting off with my usual suspects, plus the sophomore issue of DMZ and a new Fables trade, which I hope to enjoy despite Bill Willingham’s drinking too much assohol lately and being a cock to people who questioned his writing on the big “Leslie Thompkins: Murderation!” reveal.

Oh, hey, another Rick Veitch Swamp Thing trade! I just noticed that. That’s very nice of them to do this for me.

We’re also getting a Douglas Rushkoff-written comic. I know next to nothing about Rushkoff other than the fact he’s sort of a giant brain writer that many people who I like enjoy. Liam Sharp has really nice art chops, though, so I’ll probably order it.

Didn’t buy Vimanarama? Have you seen the light and now want to buy it in the near future? Well, you can with the Vimanarama trade paperback that collects the 3-issue miniseries written by Grant Morrison and drawn by the always-fun Philip Bond. I bought the series but will get the (overpriced!) trade anyway.

DC Direct
Well, shit. They’re getting my money for that Silver Age Superman set, aren’t they? As they don’t come out until May 24, this means I’ll have the chance to win the lottery so I can afford them!

The “Mystery Box” toys idea kind of has a goofy appeal to me, even with the taint of “collectibility” clinging to the entire affair.

That Catwoman bust would get boughten real good by me if it was based on Darwyn Cooke art. However, it ain’t.

OK, it’s over, people. Go about your business and have a decent day!