Kevin Versus Star Trek: Part 1
6 Comments | Posted: August 21st, 2009 | Filed under: Star TrekIf you enjoy Star Trek but, like me, tend to be vague on the finer points of continuity and anything that doesn’t feature James T Kirk, Memory Alpha is the site you’re looking for. It’s a nerd-wiki with pretty high standards, offering up insights into episodes, “factual” bits about the Star Trek universe and, of course, ridiculous shit that comes about when you’ve got an obsessive-compulsive audience and 40 years of television and cinematic minutiae to cover in extreme detail. I thought I’d do us all a favor and mimic The Internet’s Own Chris Sims and dive into their fetid swamps (OK, I’m cicking the “random entry” link) and see what we can pull out for examination.
First up: two minor characters and an episode!
KURROS
First Appearance: “Think Tank,” Voyager
Yes, that’s Jason Alexander, playing a vagina-skulled alien who worked for a pan-galactic problem-solving consultancy known as The Think Tank. They zipped around to and fro, taking care of treaties and ensuring peace was to be had in as many places as possible, as long as they got paid, sort of like Blackwater without the whole shooting-civilians-in-the-face schtick. The plot of “Think Tank” revolves around Kurros wanting compensation from the crew of Voyager after helping them handle a sticky situation, demanding payment in the form the ship’s quantum starslip drive, one of Neelix’s recipes, Chakotay’s Ace McCloud toy, and…Seven of Nine.
Of course Space George Constanza asked for the zeppelin-breasted robot chick.
Voyager happily acquiesced, causing the show’s abrupt downward spiral and cancellation three weeks later. (Please note that this did not really happen. Voyager limped along for two more seasons, culminating in a finale that I don’t remember anything from outside of the re-appearance of Alice Krige’s creepy head-and-cleavage-with-no-body Borg Queen.)
RAY TSING TAO
First Appearance: “And The Children Shall Lead,” the good Star Trek
Ray was part of a group of children that survived the mass suicide that swept the Federation’s colony on Triacus, following the teachings and demands of a malicious space ghost (no, not that one) they named Angel. This perfectly idiotic plot point occurs because kids are stupid and have never seen an episode of Star Trek. Guess what? They get rid of the creature (which, naturally, feeds off their devotion) thanks to some emoting on the part of William Shatner. Heir to a beer fortune, Ray was a favorite guest on the Starship Enterprise, particularly in the Engineering, Medical, and Getting Crazy Fucked Up departments.
“A PIECE OF THE ACTION”
Original Air Date: January 12, 1968
Everything you need to know about this episode is contained in this image:
No one can rock a lavender mohair fedora like Shatner.
(That no one else would want to is beside the point.)
Kirk’s fuzzy hat is disturbing me. Why is his hat so fuzzy?
That episode should be called “Lenny’s Dead” and close with Spock stealing a bunch of coke from the Enterprise and skipping the country.
The thing I remember about the “Voyager” finale is that I taped it and showed it to my friend Brian, who didn’t get the show where he lived. He went absolutely bonkers when the souped-up Voyager blew up a Borg cube — I mean, total fist-pumping “Hell YES! It’s about TIME!” excitement.
So even though I don’t remember much about that finale either, I at least remember that it gave a friend of mine something he’d wanted to see for, like, nine years: A Federation ship just totally wasting one of those giant cubes.
“A Piece of the Action” not only teaches you about Fizzbin, you’ll learn that Kirk is crap at driving a manual transmission. Spock steals the show for me with the line, “I’d avise ya to keep dialin’, Oxmyx.”
See, having your father killed by aliens from the future is good for something – it teaches you to drive stick.