Mike Sterling: Facts I Have Collected

12 Comments | Posted: March 13th, 2009 | Filed under: "Funny", Meta | Tags: mike sterling, progressive ruin

Here are the facts I know about Mike Sterling:

1.
He works at Ralph’s Comics Corner, a well-respected, well-liked comics shop in Ventura, CA.

2.
He has a too-patient girlfriend who he’s been with for over a decade.

3.
He loves Diet Coke.

4.

He goes down this street every evening between the hours of 8:43 and 8:54pm in his well-used-but-in-good-condition import pickup truck with the license plate [REDACTED.]  When he gets home, he generally passes through the living room and greets his girlfriend with a kiss on the forehead or cheek before going to the kitchen and preparing dinner.  Likely due to the late hour, these meals usually consists of something simple, such as a cold cut sandwich or leftovers.  He also occasionally stops by one of four fast-food venues that are on his drive home, usually preferring Wendy’s over Carl’s Jr or McDonald’s, but he makes exceptions for Burger King’s Angry Whopper, which he described as “delightfully piquant” to his pen pal Hao Xing, a 22-year-old male who manages a production line at the Foxconn factory where the iPhone is assembled.

5.
After eating dinner, Mike changes his clothes to shorts and a t-shirt, generally one that is well worn and comfortable with his favorite being a Mystery Science Theater 3000 shirt from the comedy troupe’s theatrical release.  This shirt, while still sporting a very legible graphic on the front, has a small hole in the left armpit that Mike’s girlfriend frequently teases him over as they watch a DVD on the La-Z-Boy Elaine sofa Mike purchased from a factory outlet located in an outlet mall approximately an hour northwest of his home.  The DVDs watched are oftentimes television shows, but Mike’s three-at-a-time Netflix membership also gives him access to recent hits on DVD such as The Transporter 3, Nick and Norah’s Infinite Playlist (Mike’s choice), and Choke. The couple also has a DVR that Mike uses to watch Battestar Galactica, Heroes, and Dirty Jobs among other programs.

6.
In addition to watching TV and movies with his better half, Mike also enjoys several different radio shows while performing household chores or reading and organizing his comic books.  These include the popular paranormal program Coast to Coast AM, hosted by George Noury.  Mike frequently mocks the callers who form the bulk of the show, often pointing out fallacies in their arguments to himself as he chuckles and shakes his head slowly.  Mike also enjoys listening to Firesign Theater on CD, with his favorite sketches centered around recurring characters Nick Danger and Ralph Spoilsport.

7.
Mike is a concentious homemaker, splitting the chores evenly with his girlfriend with a system they have laid out on a piece of paper attached to their 25.8 cubic foot GE Energy Star-certified refrigerator by a Papa John’s magnet.  While he’d hesitate to tell you that he enjoys them, Mike doesn’t seem to mind doing dishes and cleaning the bathroom when they come up in his rotation and handles the household garbage deftly, ensuring that the recyclables are well-sorted and that the garbage can is rolled out to his curb by 9:30 the evening before the scheduled pickup.

8.
To prepare for bed, Mike changes into a pair of loose jogging shorts and a t-shirt, generally a set that he recycles for three nights at a time.  These are generally promotional shirts he’s received as a comic shop manager, with one of them featuring Jim Lee’s rendering of the X-Men with the addition of a moustache over each character, added with a Sharpie marker.  Mike brushes his teeth with Gleem Toothpaste, using an Oral B D9511 Plak Control Ultra Power Toothbrush he received as a gift from his family two years ago, paying close attention to the unit’s built-in timer.  He generally only flosses after his girlfriend reminds him, but he does use Listerine Antiseptic Mouthwash (in the Cool Mint variety), studiously reaching the 30-second time recommended on the packaging.

9.
Before going to sleep around midnight, Mike reads thirty to fifty pages of a science fiction novel, frequently one from the Star Wars expanded universe, while his girlfriend reviews material for her job.  Mike generally falls asleep on his side but moves to his back after 30 to 45 minutes.  In this position, he begins snoring, but will generally roll back onto his side after he receives a poke in the side from his girlfriend, who performs this action in her sleep after long years together.  Mike normally sleeps well, but wakes up at around 4:50 due to his neighbor leaving for their job and takes the opportunity to use the bathroom and going back to bed for another three hours.

10.
By that time, the cops are generally doing a slow drive down Mike’s street and I have to get back into the utility van that I stole in order to collect these facts.  Why am I so dedicated to Mike Sterling?  Two reasons.  The first is that he’s someone I consider a trans-continental ally in comics blogging, an inspiration to me and someone I’d call a friend without hesitation.  The second is that it’s his 40th goddamn birthday.  Mike, I don’t want to get sloppy or anything, but hey, happy happy.  You’re respected and loved by a few and tolerated by many, many more.

11.
Briefs, not boxers.

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